Whatever happen I will bear the consequences. I will be fine. I think I know what's going on. But as usual I needed time before I pass a judgment on you. If I see you before the 9th I know this time I am right. I've made the right choice. If I don't, it's ok. I wish you all the best in life. You will be fine.
No matter what happen when all is over, cloudy days will always pass. They're never meant to stay. I will be fine.

Bloody creepy man!!!

Well, Creepy man is back! Super annoying!!! He keeps asking me about my personal life. About my past history. It's really annoying! Plus he's downloading werid stuff into his lappy causing the internet to crash in the hostel!
He really irritates me to the core!!
Stress + irritations + frustration!! LIFE IS REALLY SHITTY!!

Last night, Man singh lama spoke to me. I hope he'll be able to convince that person that way, I'll be out of this shit soon.
After this whole jig, I'll be going traveling. With or without you, I'll be going. Either i will go russia or tibet!
If i am going with you i will go tibet, if i m going alone. I am going russia!
See what new business i can do there. or watever~~

My life is horrible now!! Save me ...someone ....
Btw, happy thanks giving~~

love=loneliness

Loving you is equivalent to loving loneliness..
You're not at fault
Just me.
something wrong with me.
Always loving the wrong thing.
I promise myself when all works is done. I will go somewhere....
no more of all these...

Alone Again~

Remember the time you left u send me an sms Alone again!
You made me feel the same today. Thank you.

Extreme tireness

Very tired...very very tired...
Like the weight of tiredness, spreading around my shoulders...
I can feel it shouting how tired my shoulders are...
I need sleep ...
A very long sleep....
I no longer wanna do anything....
I no longer wanna hear anything....
I no longer wanna be a clown...
I no longer want to entertain....
I no longer wanna make all world laugh....
I've been doing that too long....
I want to sleep...just have a long long long long peaceful sleep....
When i sleep..please don't wake me up....
I want to rest in peace~

I waited

I waited tonight, patiently by the computer.
You didn't come. You were not here.
I am not angry neither upset. I understand.
You have many responsibility, many people, many things needed you.
I should not have been one of those people who hog on you.
I've always said unless the world crack and break into pieces, I will try not to harass god. He's also busy with the world.
Don't worry, I'll be fine. Just one of those days.
It will pass.....
I was born a loner, walk alone, traveled alone, think alone.
Long long road... how long will it be till the end of time?

Stranger in the city~

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Stranger in the city~

I am a stranger in my own big city.
I have people scurrying around all the time. Rushing for work, rushing for bus, rushing for holiday, rushing for school, rushing for movies, rushing for love.
I took a step back and look at the big city.
Loner in the city, walking by the streets. Looking for a familiar face in the rushing city.
I saw lots of familiar face. Faces that they called me friends. Faces that they called me daughter. Faces that called me boss. Faces that called me sister. Faces that called me relative.
Yet of all these faces, I found no one that I can talk to.
I was sad, I needed a hug. I was sad, I needed someone to tell me don't cry, everything will be fine.
I was sad, I needed someone to hold me and tell me don't worry.
I called someone. This someone, that I thought I can always rely on even if my world is crushed. :)
I called him yesterday. He said he's home. He said we'll talk tomorrow.
I waited today. He didn't call the whole day. When he did, he said:' I am busy. Can we talk after I come back from thailand with ur brother. Is it important? Not important then wait la'.
What can I say? I said no worry. It's nothing important.
My father have no time to talk to me.
I looked around the busy busy world again. I just realize it always been me. Have always be and will always be me alone only.
My father ask me once how can i stay away from home?
A home that you don't feel part of, why stay?
Like a tenant staying at home. Sometimes that's how i feel.
Friends like to say, Andrinna is a brave person. Andrinna is a strong person.
I wasn't born strong. I wasn't born brave. I was made into a strong person. I was force to be a brave person.
I don't have a choice.
I am just a tenant with my family. They showered all love and attention to my brother. Everything for him. Everything is him. Always have, always will be.
Sometimes, I think. Even if one day, i died. They will never know why.
For my family doesn't know me. They never knew me.
Today, thank you father. For again, letting me know.
I am a nobody. Nobody enough for you to spend 10 mins drive to see me and ask am I ok?
You would rather spend time drinking at KTV with girls 1/4 ur age.
You would rather spend time looking at birds and plants.
You would rather spend time joking and smiling at my staffs.
You would rather spend time to read newspaper.
then to just take a look at me.
Why can't you see i am not happy?

I've tried my best..I have...I really have...I am sorry!

I've tried my best. I am sorry I can't make it. You might think that I've given up, but i didn't. I just know when i need to let go.
I tried my very best to hold on. I did. But it didn't work out. Too much stress and too much competition. It's a war, i have lost.
What have i lose to? I ask myself?
The market, the timing? or i am not gd enough?
I think i lost 30% to market, 40% to timing, and 30% i m not gd enough.
In this course of time, I've learn i m not as patience as i thought myself could be. I am yet the perfect person i want myself to be.
I thought i have better myself throughout the years, that my EQ should have been really gd.
But facts have proven i m not that good.
Along the way in this 1 1/2 year.
I've gain good friends. I've understand friends with benefits. I've also understand completely how 'useful' i m . People around tend to love to make use of me. Not that i do not know of, i know but i allow them to use me.
I've now already come to term with my decision. Though this decision is heart breaking and tough. I've learn to deal with it.
Once everything is done, i will know what and where i stand.
I want to go tibet.
I want to go pray. For once in my life, I really want to pray.
Dear god, please hear my prayer. Just this once i really need you.
This decision i make it's a tough one a really tough one.
I really need this time, ' this to work out'.
I know i m wrong, i shouldn't have allowed it to happen.
But it did. Dear god, pls forgive me. I m just a mere mortal being.
I am sorry.